If you’ve been following this blog for some time you know that a few weeks prior to a new release I like to write a long post about what it took to write it, how long, what inspired me, and what I learned by writing it.
I do so mainly because it’s fun, but also because people seem to enjoy reading about my process. So here’s this sort of foreword.
Once upon a time I met this girl.
Yeah, it’s actually true.
And we became friends. Kind of. For a brief period of time we used to talk a lot about all sorts of stuff, and, well, at one point she told me she had a secret. Just like that. She didn’t want to tell me what it was, she just said it was so terrible that I wouldn’t be able to understand.
That was like 5 years ago. For dumb high-school me that was quite an experience, mostly because it got me thinking (I don’t do that very often.) I wanted to know what her secret was, maybe just out of curiosity, but I also thought that to be the ultimate proof that she trusted me. But I didn’t insist either. I just thought that when the time was right, she’d tell me.
Actually, she never told me her secret.
So I wrote a novella, in Romanian, about a woman with a terrible secret. There’s more to it that just that, but I don’t want to bore you with the details. It didn’t take long to write it, mostly because, honestly, this whole terrible secret thing had a big power of obsession over me, and ultimately, while I was writing the damn story, I wanted to know what her secret was just so I could write it down.
I wanted to write the truth, not because it would have mattered to readers, but because it would have mattered to me. In fact, I never tried to publish this novella, I never submitted it to any contests, and more so, no one ever read it.
And I kind of forgot about it.
But it did change something in my writing: I found one of my most enduring themes: masks. Well, not real masks, but that thing that who we are, who we think we are, who others think we are, and who we want to be will never coincide – I think I actually wrote this line down, in The Writer if I’m not mistaken. We pretend to be someone else than who we really are.
That’s also when I came up with this line: “We’re all strong enough to endure someone else’s tragedy.” I used that one in The Writer as well, but I do tend to use it in a lot of my stuff, as some sort of signature. It’s just a simple line, but I kind of always find a place for it.
When I found out about NaNoWriMo in 2010 I didn’t know what I wanted to write. I had plenty of ideas, but I just couldn’t concentrate. Call it writer’s block or whatever you want to, but I just couldn’t write. Of course, now I’m pretty sure it had to do with the fact that I had never written in English before (well, fiction), but back then I was terrified.
And I never really experience writer’s block as a total block; I can write, just that all the words seem wrong.
After about a week of struggle I decided to translate this novella. Technically, it was cheating, but I just wanted to be able to have something at the end of NaNoWriMo.
Sometimes one of the best ways to beat writer’s block is just to type… just punch those keys, relax your mind. To those who have dealt with words for some time that’s music. And, slowly, you find more words.
So I wrote. And wrote, and you know, wrote more and more. I actually managed to write 50,000 words in 3 weeks. And, at the end of those weeks, I realized I had a completely different story. Yeah, there was still this terrible secret, and everyone pretended to be someone they were not, but the English version was much more complex.
But it was still crap. Like really crap.
As much as it hurts me to say this, but I wasn’t good enough to write a novel back then. I remember the fact that I did some research into writing a good kiss scene – actually I googled, “how to write a kiss scene.”
But I went ahead and edited it, because I wanted to self-publish it. Which I did, in January 2011.
The book was available for purchase for about 4-5 months, before I realized that it was really bad. During those months I sold 4 copies – 2 paperbacks and 2 e-books. I’m sure this is one of the worst debuts in the history of literature.
I received a 4 star review on Amazon from someone who hadn’t even read the book, just a short paragraph of it, and a 2 star review on Goodreads from someone who actually read 100 pages out of 160, but couldn’t make it to the finish line – hence the 2 stars.
I was devastated. All I wanted was to be a writer. I gave up on writing and decided that life’s not fair. I just didn’t want to admit that I just wasn’t good enough: a good enough writer, a good enough self-publisher, a good enough blogger.
But you know what was my biggest mistake? This novel wasn’t bad just because of the bad dialogue, the awful description, the (almost) nonexistent plotline, and all those philosophical mussing which I thought to be clever.
It was bad because all I did was write a story. There was no emotion there, nothing that belonged to me. Just before I took it down Amazon, I read it and realized that I had changed so many things that the story wasn’t mine anymore. It was a lie, a badly written one.
It was artificial.
After six or so months I decided that I would give writing one more try. And I decided to write my own stories, even if there was nothing “epic” or “glorious” about them.
When I began rewriting this new version of this novel I was very much in love. And that changed everything.
Why didn’t I finish rewriting it?
I don’t know. Everyone who read it thought it was good enough. I received overwhelming positive feedback from the Wattpad community. Maybe I was scared that I would fail again.
Well I was certain that I would fail again. Every book we write is a failure, so maybe I just wanted to fail better, you know? To fail as good as I was capable of… I’m sure that last sentence doesn’t make much sense.
So I put this novel aside and focused on other projects. I wrote a movie-script (well, it was more like a hour long TV drama episode), I wrote a few short stories, and I wrote the first draft of The Writer.
That’s basically it. Of course, there are a lot more things I could write about, like the fact that there’s a connection between Jazz and LTDC, that when I was 6 or 7 I wanted to go to the US and change my name to Chris Packlem and become the richest man in the world.
That both Chris Packlem and William Bower have something that belongs to me, certain traits that I have or wish I had.
This is the novel I plan on publishing at the end of March. It’s almost complete, and I’m spending a lot of time working on it (by the way, tomorrow you’ll be able to read a new chapter.) And I want to get this novel properly edited (which costs money), I want to buy some paperbacks, host giveaways, send review copies, even pay for ads.
Dunno, I just don’t want to fail again.
You can order advance copies (or other cool stuff) and help me pay for all that stuff here.
Stay focused. You can do it! Good luck .
You have an amazing way with words. I really am glad I started following you and look forward to future blogs. Secrets can be dangerous to those who keep them. Really like what you had to say here. I'll have to back track to see what other blogs you have written. Ciao
I'm such a n00b I thought I commented on your blog. SO sorry if I did and now your getting two post from me! I'll figure it out eventually. Secrets are deadly
Your persistence and earnest are, as always, inspiring.
I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to fail, but at least in your case you actually completed one and tried. I haven't gotten that far yet. But I believe in never giving up and one day ill get there. I believe you will get there too. I look forward to reading your stuff. Which I will be looking you up at B&N as soon as my nook turns back on. :)
I wanted to let you know that I have read your short stories: "Mr. Nobody", "One", and "Crossroads". I love how detailed you are. It's like I'm the character or at least right near him. I still have to read "Memento Mori". My biggest thought towards you on how well you write is that I am a ex-smoker only since Dec. 26,2012 and "One" made me want to light up so bad. lol I don't know if that is a good thing or not. The writing was great though..
"In the lexicon of youth, which Fate reserves
For a bright manhood, there is no such word As-fail! (Bulwer-Lytton, Richelieu, III)
1. I totally understand what you say about writers block! I get it that way too, I can write, but it's all crap!
2. I have to disagree with what you say about people always being strong enough to withstand other people's tragedies. I would have agreed with you about five years ago, but I had a weird life experience (well, a few) that changed my perception. I have some crazy drama under my belt, which I used to share with a friend of mine in college (she would share hers too). I found out later that it was doing her a lot of harm (though, thinking about it now this could be an excuse she was using to tone down her own insecurities, and to hurt me, people suck sometimes). I've come across this a few times (my stories hurting others, not the part in parenthesis). Eventually, I grew quiet and began to express angst in other (healthier) ways. Maybe tragedy has to be presented in proper context/modes of expression for others to swallow it without vomiting . . .
I also want to really really thank you for liking my WTOE post today! I don't know why, but when you like stuff on my blog it means a little more to me than when other people do (I really hope I'm not hurting anyone's feelings here). It kind of made my day, so thank you!
Christian–Keep writing and keep writing about writing. Here's a quote that keeps me writing by Alicia Ostriker: "Writing is my way of pursuing an elusive intuition in to the forest of what I do not yet understand."
I love the way you write.
Just keep on going! Determination is as important as skill (maybe more important) when it comes to getting published. Best of luck! :)
Your writing is very engaging. I have read a few posts and really liked hearing about your struggle with writing. You're really good. One page had too many likes so I couldn't add mine. Keep writing!
I appreciate your honesty. Keep on writing! Good luck.
You have a great way with words, good luck man! You can totally do it!
Don't ever stop doing what you do best. Good luck.
I understand your struggle. Don't give up! You will find the right words…
wow Christian!!! Congrats on being freshly pressed. Keep doing what you do, its working! Hope I win one of those giveaways!
There is a beautiful telling in the way you unfold your experience alongside your hope, your own mask slipping enough to let us see the vulnerability beneath your determination. Best of luck.
If it is any consolation, and I hope it is, I am intrigued and want to read your book! In fact, I am looking forward to reading the new chapter. I can empathize with you about not wanting to fail. But understand it is that fear of failure that paralyzes us to the point that the fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The failure will come if we do not make the attempt at that of which we fear. If my encouragement can offer you help, I am an English teacher, and your English is far better than most native-English speaking people. Write on, my blogging friend!
This might sound a bit lame, but I want to be a writer too. I just never finished writing my damn novel… at least you have… so kudos to that! I'm gonna finish mine before the world ends (luckily it didn't!).
Congrats on Freshly Pressed. :-)
so true about typing…the block vanishes…when i dont find words, i scribble – some comfort in writing with pencil and paper… sometimes, i use my phone to type…it helps…
good luck for your book…
Congrats on FP! Best of luck on your new venture!
You won't fail again, Christian. Personally, I don't think you failed in the first place. Finishing a story is hard, however bad (or good) you consider the story itself. You finished it. You learned some stuff. And your next work will be better, because of it. I'd call that a victory!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, by the way. How's that for auspicious new beginnings? :-)
If I believed in fate I'd take it as a sign.
Never trust anyone who has not failed epically at least once. So yes, "failing better" does indeed make sense. Cheers to the next one that's a slightly better than the last.
I think it's really refreshing hearing about people's journeys to where they are and how it's not a cake walk for everyone. It makes the possibility of "getting there" real for the rest of us. Congratulations to you on your successes, thanks for sharing some of your failures and good luck in your future endeavours. I am excited to read one of your books.
I really like your blog and would love you to guest post on my, http://www.5thingstodotoday.com site. All you have to do is write five suggestions along with a link back to your site. Please check out the blog and see the sort of things people have written about.
That is wonderful!
Introspection breeds inspiration.
Congratulations on your being Freshly Pressed! I like your writing style, you look so young but realize that the picture is of a younger you. Still much younger than many who get discovered or are able to reach their goals.
It seems failure is a large part of writing! It's so hard not to take it personally. You have talent and heart. Keep at it – good luck! Congrats on the Freshly Pressed.
What a fantastic post, full of unexpected honesty I hope you have great success with the book and go on to do many more.
~ At least you know that u really tried. It is through failing that we get to learn a lot…and who knows what you strike next?! :-) The mere fact that you get FP is an indication that you are good, don't forget that. Congrats in advance for the bestseller you have written. It will happen. Just believe. :-)
"It was bad because all I did was write a story. There was no emotion there, nothing that belonged to me."
I wrote a blog last year talking about this very same thing. I was in the middle of editing my first novel that debuted last September when I realized this was the key to a good novel. You can have all a great plot and all the prose in the world, but if there's no heart invested in the paragraphs, your story is hollow at best…
My editor pointed it out to me. She could always tell the difference between when I was invested in my story and when I was just writing. A story without soul is just words on a page. But when you connect with it, THAT is when it all comes to life. :)
Best of luck with your next book! And remember: you only fail when you stop trying.
Cristian, It's great to see you're still at it. Your statement about wanting to fail better really reaches me. Visual art is my primary mode of expression, and your observations are apt in my field as well. Even when I'm happy with an illustration, it still falls short of my ambitions. But I'm learning to live with that, and to appreciate the successes embedded alongside the failures. Thanks for the thoughful essay.
just wondering about all your struggles and persistence to achieve your dreams, that I admire a lot, i just have a quick question which is not really related to this post. since you're still very young, are you still in college (literature major) or purely a full-time writer?
wow – what a very valuable post you have written. :) I look forward to reading more.
Cristian, you have the most important attribute a writer must have — an ability to honestly assess one's own work and, therefore, to be your own toughest critic. I always say the best advice that can be given to a writer is "Don't be afraid to hit the delete button." Be honest about yourself, but keep writing — there is no other route to becoming a successful writer and you are traveling on it.
I don't know. I am dehydrated most of the day. I drink when my child sleeps. During calm days I can even visit the bathroom.
"To fail as good as I was capable of…" Interesting.
good luck! stay focused!
Congrats for getting Freshly Pressed :)
When you fail always make sure you're failing forward :) (That's from John C. Maxwell) And you're right, I did enjoy reading as much about the process as I would the story itself. Thanks for sharing.
Good luck!
This is amazing!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! You know the most important part elements of writing are re-writing and perseverance :)
Thanks for the writing saga. You have really boiled down what it takes to be a writer–the willingness to fail is essential, along with the heartbreak of rejection — because we all want to belong SO much. Great post. Looking forward to the book.
"Well, not real masks, but that thing that who we are, who we think we are, who others think we are, and who we want to be will never coincide"
I totally agree with this point. Its a constant struggle people face in everday life without realizing it. Its so well put.
I wish you goodluck with the novel! I look forward to it.
Great post; personal, insightful and truthful
Nice post :)
That was an excellent post today. Thanks so much for sharing it. I
really enjoyed reading it very much. You have a wonderful day!
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Well, in theory I am a full-time writer. I live solely on the writer's income. When that's not enough or not at all, I go hunt stray dogs and cats. Or pigeons.
Well said and sound quite impressive. I totally agree. We've got to do wrong once in a while to set things right. You have mentioned everything how it takes to be a successful writer. Thanks for sharing. This post is a big help and motivates me well. Well deserved in Freshly pressed! Congratulations.
girls have their own way of grabbing your attention…good work keep going…:) and hopefully i too complete my first ever novel-blog here on this site like you do every time…:)
I am not a writer but I am a big reader and I say you have got something, talent, a way with words, something that compelled me to read your blog…. I felt the passion and angst in your writing and that is what it is about. I would be interested in reading your story about a secret, when you have rewritten it with that same passion.
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Congratulations of being Freshly Pressed! So cool to have been reading you for awhile now and knowing how hard you work at it! I use only 1/10th of my energy and will someday hope to put more into it! You are inspiring!
It is better to fail trying than to fail by not trying. Give it your best.
Hi Cristian. Thank you for liking my poem ' Unwanted Guest'. I just write to keep me sane. Just one of the many. Good luck with your book. Best Wishes. The Foureyed Poet.
i do have couple of real life life incidents, which i would like to share with people out there. Hope so someday i will get them published.