One of my favorite poems is Invictus by William Ernest Henley. The story behind the poem is also impressive: Henley contracted tuberculosis of the bone when he was 13. At age 17, physicians had to amputate one of his legs.
Yet he wrote that:
“In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.”
We often say (or think) that life’s not fair, that life’s complicated. We always seem to spend more time dreaming than trying to achieve those dreams. But the thing is that life’s pretty simple: you live or you survive, and either way you’ll die.
And it’s entirely up to you.
But it’s so damn hard to live, especially in this modern age, when everything is moving so fast. It’s so easy to put your life on auto-pilot, to do the same things over and over again, to keep your head bowed.
Pain exists. And you’ll experience pain whether you want it or not. You’ll suffer, you’ll cry, and most of those things that don’t kill will make you wish they did.
But there’s freedom and clarity to be found in even the most desperate of situations. And more power than you can ever imagine.
A couple of years ago I realized I was just surviving. All I wanted was to have enough money to buy cigarettes and a bottle of Coca Cola. I perfected the art of eating once a day. I had these terrible headaches… and the funny thing about pain is that even if it doesn’t go away, in time you simply don’t care anymore.
You add a few health issues, you take away friends, and there you have it: the perfect recipe for disaster.
I spent most of the day feeling empty and stupid. Hours were reduced to seconds, and the world seemed to be going on without me. Strange feeling… to feel as if you’re been left behind by 7 billion people. You stare in the mirror and see a stranger. And, still, you can’t help yourself… you want to survive. It’s this stupid reflex that’s telling you that you have too much to lose if you give up. “You still have your life,” this voice inside your head tells you. “You still have a heartbeat.”
But during the nights I wrote. Simple as that. I wasn’t really expecting to publish anything. Sometimes I didn’t even have enough courage to dream about becoming published.
You know what’s so special about art? That, above all, you have to believe in yourself. You’re free to do anything you want, as long as you believe you can. It’s freedom that can’t be explained or defined, but only felt.
I began writing because I wanted to change the world. I wanted to be great. I wanted to make so much noise that people would never forget me. And when I lost almost everything except a weak heartbeat, this crazy ambition kept me alive. I had something to fight for.
When I decided to give self-publishing another try, when I decided to blog about stuff, I also decided that I would never give up, no matter what. I had reached a point few people ever reach: I could die or go up. So I decided to go up.
Of course, “never give up” is easier said than done. It’s infinitely easier to write the story than to live it. It’s also quite easy to read the words and discard them as nonsense.
But remember: your life is your own. And don’t be afraid. No one’s trying to kill your dreams. They’re too busy trying to make theirs come true.
No matter who you are or what you have or do, sometimes you’ll feel as if life’s not fair. You’ll find yourself thinking that the life you want is beyond your reach. So you might want to tell yourself, over and over again, as loud as you can:
“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”
***
With eight days to go, we only need to raise $587 so I can publish my next novel. We’re close to the finish line. It’s your chance to help me make this dream come true. You can contribute here.
Thank you
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Thanks for sharing such an inspirational story and I agree, it is a wonderful poem.
Long time favourite poem of mine as well and huge testament to the strength of the human spirit and defiance in the face of what seemed inevitable.
I have known this poem by heart (one of a very few) since I was a teenager. As a philosophy, I applaud it.
Different parts of the world, cultural background, the way our families raise us… each makes us all so very different from one another in so many ways. Yet, our emotions and personal struggles are universal. You have a tremendous gift of illustrating this, and bringing inspiration. Thank you for again putting your heart and mind into words for us to read and reflect on :)
It is a wonderful poem. You write so well. All the best to you.
Pain is a part of life going in, as all love has pain attached, and eventually experienced. I’d written a post on this some time ago, entitled “life is not cruel.”
This is my favorite one. It can't get better than this. Exquisite.
All suffering can be a doorway to expanding our consciousness. Everything we experience can teach us something. And what else is there but to put one foot in front of another and walk, run or crawl towards anything that makes us feel alive. Writing does that for me and it seems for you too. Great poem and story. Keep walking Cristian. You are in good company.
I needed this today. I've been struggling for so long. Car crashes, 2 in 8 months of eachother. The scans that say everything is in normal range. The sciatica that came and went by a random pattern I could never ascertain. Sitting in the pain management clinic, watching the burn victims walk by, neoprene masks covering their faces. The doctors & their medical debates. The shrinks, because pain gobbles up serotonin, and depression is inevitable. The anxiety and the panic, as my body becomes a torture chamber and my adrenal system goes into overdrive. The exhaustion. Trying new treatments, never wanting to hope too much. Never knowing what doctors I can truly trust. All these twists, turns, misteps, falling, drowning, treading water. I am the broken alpha. But I must keep trying. I must uncurl, I must allow my wings to unfurl. xx
I feel your pain. Only, obvious, I do not, cannot. It is yours as mine is mine and each of us, most of us, carry our own. I am not lessening in any way your level of pain, frustration and despondency. You write (and you write well. Acknowledgement of this deserves to stand alone, outside of brackets. So it started inside and now it stands on a cliff top, a plateau. Not considering the fall but feeling above 'it all'.
My mac questions my grammar in the preceding statement as people question my ability to work, your levels of pain. You yourself appeared to be comparing your suffering to those so visibly scarred? I should explain a little. I share and feel somewhat as I have had eight accidents in which I should have died. My last was a 30-40 metre fall down the side of a mountain in which I broke my head (again) my shoulder (again) my ribs… Primarily my back. I have metal rods and pins holding me together and I look, just as 'normal' as before. My pain is not so band. Sometimes I sit and wonder that I should just go back to the normal. A little physical exertion and I need to lie flat. Every night is a waking rigmarole and every morning provides me with more reasons than tiredness not to want to get up. I am at the early stages of applying myself to the (UK) system. To see where this 'opportunity', this change in lifestyle may take me. I wasn't exactly fully on course for anywhere before. This is all another experience and now you and I are sharing ours a little. As Cristian Mihai does. He writes here, "..remember: your life is your own. And don’t be afraid. No one’s trying to kill your dreams. They’re too busy trying to make theirs come true." On this point I do not agree. Many people will tell you what you cannot do, mainly because they do not feel able to do such themselves. Many people carry and conceal their pain, physical, mental, emotional. How many times are simply unaware and afraid to share.
What do most of us want most? Not fame but acceptance, recognition of who we are and that our being is of value?
It seems to me that you may be of great value to the many in the world unable to articulate the pain that they feel. I hope that you find use and happiness on the road that you now travel.
Acknowledgement is important too. Pain management centers are difficult places. They are often overloaded with patients. The burn victims, the posters on the walls about loss of mobility after strokes… in some ways these things reinforced certain doctors' attitudes that I was wating their time, that it was all in my head, that I was just some hysterical female. Thank you for your compliments concerning writing, hopefully I will be blogging or something soon, and I would like nothing more to reach out my hands to those lost in suffering. The best thing I've ever read when it comes to chronic pain is "Pain, from the Latin word for punishment, poena, can feel like a torturer who must have – but won't reveal – a purpose." The article is from 2001, but really, really good. http://www.nytimes.com/2001/12/16/magazine/pain-t…
Reblogged this on geldryn97.
Really liked your thinking in this post. I wish you all the luck in the world but not in a position to help you at this time.Sorry. My closest friends son has leukemia, daily we watch and share his struggle to be well, to live and enjoy life. Things I can do, and should appreciate fully. I fell into blogging with no plan. All I know is that I love to write and for me it as a wonderful release. Maybe in time I too will progress to the levels you have achieved. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog, I will continue to "follow" you and I'm willing you on to succeed!
I commend you for digging deep, exhuming ghosts, owning life. That is the first step. You are not alone. This is life. Onward.
One of the first poems I memorized. Lesser known fact, did you know that Henley being a giant of a man, and missing that leg was the inspiration for Stevenson's Long John Silver?
You may have not made that much noise yet, but I know I won't forget you. :) Keep doing what you're doing, Cristian – you're doing a lot of us a huge favor.
I use this quote as the foundation for many of my stories because it's been my experience… I thought you might like it. :)
"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."
W. M. Lewis
A good poem and a good article
one of my favorite poems too. :)
Reminds me of that quote from The Shawshank Redemption. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." ;)
Both the poem and your essay are great.
God only knows how many times I've felt what you've described – that sense of regret multiplied by a nagging sense of fleeting time and unfulfilled dreams and visions. Indeed, only way to change that is to rise and "take life by the horns," as some say.
A psychotherapist/friend of mine described what you described going through in your life as being at the "death layer." I was in a similar phase at a later time in my life. It is the time in our lives when we decide to continue the struggle or give up. Happily for us and you, you decided to struggle. I have found as you have found that ART is the way to give the struggle an edginess filled with laughter, hope, sorrow and dreams. Yes, I say yes yes yes to the poem and as a former rugby player to Eastwood's "Invictus" honoring a man who desserves to be honored – Nelson Mandela.
Love this piece…Thank you.
Reblogged this on APETURA and commented:
very inspirational and true
Hi, I have nominated you for Inspiring Blogger Award. Please accept this http://sonuduggal.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/the-in… . All the Best !
Regards,
Sonu Duggal.
Great post! We've all have been in the depths of despair as you described, some of us morethan others, and deeper. But I believe out of pain brings creativity and a path, which is more than evident for you! Look where you are now–a self-published author and talented writer! Congrats on struggling out from your hole and becoming a success! I promise you will continue to fly!
It's a great poem – I have made my dream come true..well, also thanks to life events, determination, hard work, and a little luck! I wrote about this in my book, SOLITARY DESIRE – Life is hard and you do have to live it to the fullest when you can!
I think the "master of my fate" idea has been somewhat overplayed in Western culture. Yes we have choice. But we also inherit legacies from our ancestors that play into our lives and effect them whether we like it or not, right down to the level of DNA. Is this what the ancients called fate? Possibly. Then when it comes to 'success' there are other factors still—luck and timing being at least as great as our innate talent in determining our degree of success. So it's complex. Not to say that knowing this one gives up, merely that it's not quite as simple as, "If I wish it and work for it, it will be so."
You're right, but I do think we should do our best to make luck the only factor we can't control.
Insightful post, Cristian.
"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming" ~Helen Keller
Really enjoyed this post. Good luck. Keep dreaming …
Cristian, I have tears welling in my eyes. I cannot thank you enough for this post.
Thank you for being so honest. And, thank you for reminding me of one of my favorite childhood poems.
impressive, persuading words … …
Henley's poem reminds me a bit of D.H. Lawrence's short poem, although it's a bit different:
I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
Very true.
Thanks for this and other cool stuff. can you tell me about the illustraion?
I love how you say "I wanted to make so much noise that people would never forget me." That's inspiring.
This is wonderful work. So much so, that I am sending an email to continue commentary.
I am SO glad you found the strength to "go up". You were meant to write, plain and simple.