Destiny

Untitled-1I don’t know if you believe in destiny or not, if you believe in a predetermined order of things. If you believe we’re all puppets on strings, and some higher consciousness is controlling our actions. Maybe you think free will is an illusion, and, in a way, you’d be right to think that.

Why?

Because, whether or not you like it, society, as in everyone who has the power to influence our lives, is constantly trying to “guide” us. It’s how this world has functioned ever since we invented civilization. Everyone around you is trying to help you into becoming who they need you to be.

Not who you want to be, not who you’ve always dreamed of being, but who they need you to be in order for them to be who they want to be.

It’s not complicated or great or sad. It’s just how things work.

But what if you want more? What if you don’t feel like giving up without a fight? What then?

I’ve been wanting to be a writer ever since I was 13 years old. And I wrote and wrote and wrote, and I read 1,000 books, and I’ve made a fool out of myself countless times. I’ve got bad reviews, I’ve received hate e-mails. I’ve been told to give up by friends and family. And I’ve nearly starved to death on a more than one occasion.

But I didn’t give up, because I knew what I wanted to do, and I knew how precious and rare this is: to know what you want from life, to have one big, crazy dream. Most people don’t really have that, and even few have the courage to do anything other than dream about it.

And I was more than willing to give everything up in order to make my dream come true.

This summer, when book sales were at their lowest ever since I started this blog in April 2012, I decided to work part-time as a waiter. It wasn’t a part time job, actually, because I was working for 12 hours almost every day. But they pay certainly was part-time.

And, you know, every motivational speaker tells you to never give up. That you have to fight hunger, exhaustion… all that is a test of how bad you really want something. So I spent a couple of night writing blog posts, essays, stuff like that. Until I was almost falling asleep at work, which in turn almost got me fired.

So I couldn’t write anymore.

If you’re not an artist, and if there was never a time in your life when you weren’t allowed to do your thing, you can’t imagine how terrible this fate is. It’s like prison, I suppose.

You can’t do what you love. It’s something outside of you that’s doing all that, that’s controlling your movements. It honestly feels like you’re a puppet on a string.

So I quit. Simple as that. Without thinking about rent or bills or money for food. I just wanted to be able to write, and to finish editing my second big release for this year (something I’ve promised folks for a long time.)

I wanted to do all that, but I didn’t really think it through, mostly because sometimes I like to believe thinks work out. Somehow, things work out.

But they didn’t. I tried running promotions, offering huge discounts to ad options, and offering an e-book bundle that was 4 times cheaper than it should have been.

To no avail. In the last 24 hours I sold a single bundle, earning the incredible amount of $2.50. That was yesterday, right after I posted on my blog the last desperate attempt to earn some money. Today I sold nothing.

That’s why I have no other option but to rely on your help. If you enjoy this blog, if you think the stuff that I write is not useless, you can now help me out by donating here.

If the situation wouldn’t be critical, I wouldn’t ask you for your help.

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38 comments on “Destiny

  1. frankwmcarr says:

    As for me, I believe in both free will and destiny. God planned our choices and knew them before they even happened. There are different views in Christendom about this, but the main point is that you quitting your writing career was God’s plan altogether. I will pray for you to find a new line of work that you will be happy in. God bless.

    Frank

  2. Sahm King says:

    The plight of being a writer. I feel your joy and your pain. Stay up, eh, and good fortune to you.

  3. :(
    I wasn’t expecting that ending. This is somehow heart wrenching.

  4. Now that is sad, I’ve been following since I started blogging if my estate gets settled I’ll try my best, nonetheless you know that on the street so please out their help out a fellow blogger…

  5. Cristian, you were not born when circumstances or Destiny, moved me to quit my position as National Marketing Representative, Mining Division, Dominion Engineering Works, Ltd.’ in 1975, sell all my possessions, and enter the US from CanaDa to seek the Spirit of ’76. It was one of the best years out of the 70th I’m currently living and I found the Spirit that showed me awesome things and situations.

    I was dishes for $1/hr plus food in Venice, California in 1976. It helped I had a free place to stay half a block from the Ocean.

    Don’t give up on your Dreams. The reality we have to face is not everybody has the same Dream or is interested in ours. I already sincerely admire and appreciate your writing.

    From the Revolutionary Spirit of ’76 to the Revolutionary Spirit of ’11
    http://ray032.com/2011/02/23/from-the-revolutionary-spirit-of-76-to-the-revolutionary-spirit-of-11/

    I would appreciate any comment or suggestions to improve my writing style.

    I am debt free in my 70th year because I have lived without credit cards. My needs and some wants are satisfied by my small pension.

    By this comment, you will have my email address. Tell me your land address and I will send you a donation by money order or Bank Draft in Canadian, American or your own currency you stipulate.

    Regards,
    Ray

  6. *&)%$**#*

    I was washing dishes for $1/hr

  7. M T McGuire says:

    Something has altered. I haven’t sold a book for 10 weeks straight. That’s the longest it’s been. Ever. You are not alone my friend and I absolutely get you about finding something you feel you were born to do and even more about not being able to do it.

    OK, so look, if it means anything, if it helps at all, I can tell you I had the same struggle. I’ve bought Jazz, I hope that will help a bit. All I can say is think about this… any writing at all will hone your craft, even in the process of a job. Customer service taught me more about being articulate than anything else I’ve ever done as did writing corporate puff, websites etc. It might be worth thinking about doing something that involves writing even part time… or jobshare?

    Clearly I don’t mean something physically tiring that will wipe you out, but something that will utilise your writing skills, like secretarial work, can you type? Believe me, I know how it feels to face the prospect of watering down your dreams to do boring things like eat… I did and it hurt, big time, but in the end it worked out and Lord knows if it worked for me it will for you. I know how intense it feels and how desperate life is without writing. It really is like a bad crack habit, isn’t it? I promise you, it will be OK in the end. It’s a question of finding the right job, or a long enough commute and making sure that you welcome every experience as fuel for your imagination, even if you can’t work out how it will do it.

    George Bernard Shaw said he wrote St Joan whilst commuting from London to Brighton – 50 minutes each way.

    I am certain you will find a way and whatever it is, I wish you the best of luck.

    Cheers

    MTM

    • Summer is always tough when it comes to book sales. I’ve known that from last Summer, but I didn’t imagine this. I’m like Sean Bean in Game of Thrones, always saying, “Winter is coming, Winter is coming,” because I know that sales have to pick up then, especially around Christmas.

      I’ve been trying to find some freelance writing gig or even a design job (I do all my interior design and covers and all that stuff). I even got an account on Elance.

      Anyway, I hope this situation doesn’t persist for much longer, or at least, I’ll find something to support myself without taking too much time.

      • frankwmcarr says:

        Cristian,
        You have 3 weeks or so of summer left. You may get better sales in the fall. If you don’t, maybe you could just write for fun, or do something with your writing. Not to boast, but I’m a great writer, and I love blogging, and would be delighted to write a book someday. Right now, to write on for many non-fiction things I like, I’m not qualified. And let me warn you, if you want a good living, fiction writing is usually not lucrative (except in very few). Just follow your heart, and the Good Lord will lead you to the right calling.

        Look at me. I’m already 25, never had a job, and am still shaky on career choice. But some people need time to get themselves started. So, just be patient, and like me, let “destiny” do its work as you use your “free will” to make decisions.

        Frank

      • M T McGuire says:

        All the best with it, anyway. I’m a stay at home Mum -and kept, to boot – so I’ve escaped having to try and find a job in this recession, but I remember vividly what it was like in the last one and sympathise a great deal with anyone, like yourself, who has to try and make ends meet in one.

        Best

        MTM

  8. Because it is destiny, this post and what I viewed about a fellow book writer that needed ways to sell his work… good luck! I miss sleep in order to write ( and read)! Keep the faith… Jeff Brown on Youtube and how his book got noticed in his hometown.

  9. Sheila Tulok says:

    I think you are doing a great job, try no to get discouraged! I understand it is frustrating to trust that things will ‘work out’ and the desired outcome doesn’t arrive “on time”. Keep up your good work!

  10. reneenmeland says:

    It was great to read such honesty. And you’re right that it’s hard for other people to understand what writers and other artists go through every day. Some days I envy people who happened to fall in love with something that had a set path: you want to be a doctor, you go to med school, residency, etc. You work hard to earn that priveledge, yes, but there’s a set of steps. Writing is one of the few careers that you can train yourself all day long and still struggle to make it through those Magical Publishing Gates. But stick with it, because like you said, you have something that you love, and a lot of people can’t say that. Keep your head up!

  11. linda1x4x3 says:

    I’m in the same boat. I can’t possibly begin to make ends meet. But the day I published I truly became a writer. I can’t give up. Try freelancer.com. I found work there. Small jobs small pay but plenty there. Craigslist offer editing or ghostwriting etc… Think of anything you can do involving your skill and offer it. Promote yourself. Just like you would your new book!

  12. wr1ghtlexi says:

    You should never give up on your dreams. If I had money to help you, I would but I too am in a situation where I have none to give as my writings are also unpublished (except for here online). There is always time to do what you are meant to do in life while you are waiting to be able to make a living doing it. The key is to find balance, make time without giving up something you need like sleep or work, and trust God. Trusting in God is the most important of these keys to successfully doing what you love for work and making a living off of it. Action is another important key and when you were trying, there was action. But if you give up, there will be none. Faith (In God, in yourself, and in your dreams)+ action + prayer + diligence = success. I hope that despite the fact that I am unable to help you financially, that I have been of some help by encouraging you not to give up on your dreams and your writing (which is part of your dream).

  13. yolandaberry says:

    Be encouraged. In Jeremiah 29:11 it states, “God knows the plans for you. Plans not to harm you, but for a hope and a future.” The Lord has blessed us with different gifts and talents to be used to help each other. Never give up on your dreams. God planted those dreams in you for a reason. Your path is ordered, but with patience you will inherit the promises. Stay focused and committed. I’m also a writer so I can related to your pain. I will leave you with this…..”Faith is the evidence of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 Just continue to walk in faith and you will begin to see your dreams manifest.

  14. orionwriter says:

    Keep doing what you love. Your happiness is worth every penny. Props to you!

  15. jkvegh says:

    You know we (artists) are all working a day job to make ends meet. Until you have the name J.K. Rawlings or Joyce Carol Oates, this is what you do. I even know big writers in the SF Bay Area who make decent money but still work because this gives them the lifestyle they want and the ability to write. They save up and then take time off to write. It sucks but it makes you strong and pays for your passions.

  16. I believe there is no Plan, I believe we are coCreators with God and she collaborates with us in the harmony

  17. Reuben says:

    Some people will say that I’m an idiot for throwing away 10 bucks, but I don’t know what to do other than to give. I’m not loaded myself because of some of my own self-employment ‘experiments’, so I missed the e-book sale, but I can’t miss this. I want to see you succeed so bad, because your life embodies a kind of dream that so many like myself can only aspire to be, or are in the midst of becoming.

    For the sake of art and hope, don’t freakin’ give up. Snake around the east, flow around the west, wriggle down the middle, and hop up and down, but don’t ever, ever, ever give up.

  18. tsintinay says:

    It’s really admirable how you’re fighting for your dream. Not many people have the courage to stick to theirs. I have an office job in lieu of my Graphic Designer job option. It has a better pay & provides stability but doesn’t give that sense of fulfillment, like the one you get from writing.

    The good thing is, I am learning to like where I am and what I do and actually developing new interests (like management & business-wise), yet still do design every now & then, not to mention they pay I get provides for the equipment and materials I use. So, I’m trying to get the best of both worlds. It is possible.

    Whatever it is you’re going through, like what my folks says, is merely a test and is meant to happen (a little bit of destiny). Just because you’re putting you’re rent & food first doesn’t mean you’ll shoot your writing dreams down. You just gotta get by for now, that’s all.

    You will always be a writer, no matter what part time job you have. So, don’t give up.

  19. leximckee says:

    What a wonderfully life-affirming set of responses! I was just talking with a family member about your plight (I’m in the same boat!) and we were talking about the seed pattern in Nature as a model. Very few seeds come to fruition – so Nature’s Divine pattern is to produce a lot of seeds. This is something you have done, and continue to do. Your seeds are sown “out there” with every word you write. More and more people are coming across your work – and someone with the right connections is going to “discover” you. At that moment, some of your seeds will produce 30x or 60x or even 100x what you’ve sown. Until then, you (and all your supporters who’ve written here) need to keep sowing those seeds. The seed has the power within itself to bear fruit – your job is to create the seeds, sow the seeds, and trust the seeds (and the Lord of the Harvest!!!) I speak to myself as I share with you. My surprise over the last few months is that people respond far more to my poetry than to my philosophy! Perhaps poems and short stories are more accessible at this time.

  20. You really do a good job writing!
    I’m really wondering, what’s the way out of financial crisis?
    It seems life and society has set standards, but I have no doubt that with creativity and diligence, there can be a difference!
    You are not alone in this and there must be a way out.

  21. hanimax99 says:

    I think your work is great, I wish I can help you by donation, but I cannot so I will be praying for Divine interference

  22. ShelbyGKT says:

    This war both inspiring and somewhat scary. I know that by choosing to be a writer and doing what I love I am pretty much choosing poverty. Hang in there, don’t give up.

  23. I think your great! I understand the plight of a writer as a musician. it’s both amazing and terrifying. I’m just riding the wave! I wish I could learn to control it with out giving into ego mania!

  24. regan222 says:

    You should NEVER give up. However, you might have to change your strategy on occasion. If what you are writing is not selling, try changing your style or subject. If the marketing method you use doesn’t work, try a new one. Remember, you should have at least 5 channels of promotion going on any sales project. Don’t just use your blog. Make posters and hang them at the local Hastings or Books a Million. I once mailed a thousand postcards to a mailing list I created from our town on the Internet. Post cards are cheap and not as annoying as SPAM email. The postcard gambit worked by the way. I spent a hundred bucks on materials, and time and postage and got ten times that much business in only a couple of weeks.
    Point is, don’t quit but don’t be afraid to re-examine your methods. There is more than one way to skin a cat (or peel an onion, if the whole cat skinning thing upsets you.)

  25. Shannon says:

    I often feel the same as you. As a writer and artist, I’ve given up well paying jobs because they were emotionally and spiritually draining – which of course, made me too exhausted to create. Not too long ago I took a very low-wage job doing the most boring, redundant work on the planet just to have an income. It made me depressed. I was miserable, so I quit, determined to find something better. I’m hoping what I have now is better, but only time will tell. But what is the real dream? Making a living at what we enjoy, even if it’s not yet fully our “dream”.

    Hang in there!

  26. You are very honest Cristian, truthful and your writing is great, I’m also artist and I understand you very well….

  27. nextphasemom says:

    Oh my, I did not expect the ending. What I can suggest is this….I believe destiny is controlled by you. Don’t get me wrong, yes you are having a hard time and yes it seems as though all things may be against you at this time; but in no shape form or fashion should you give up on the very dream that was given to you.

    You can have your dream. Just regroup, pray-meditate which ever suits you and TRUST that what you need you will be GUIDED to in perfect timing. Destiny begins with you. It is the direction you Decide to go in with the FAITH that you will get there. No, I did not say it would be easy or unchallenging but that YOU CONTROL it. You may have to obtain some small job to sustain you in the between times but with your continued focus and persistence BREAK THROUGH will show up when you least expect it.

    NEVER give up on what has been placed in YOUR heart. Don’t expect others to understand or support it because the dream was given to you and you alone. It WILL come to pass IN time as long as you BELIEVE it so. Your point of destination may not be a straight line but you can reach the other side as long as YOU MAINTAIN YOUR BELIEF in that which you are trying to accomplish.

    Keep WRITING because it is where your heart lies.

    Good Luck and keep your faith!
    nextphasemom

  28. No matter how pre-determined things may seem we still have a choice – that is what ultimately defines and determines our path in life. Choice is not an illusion, it just requires a a lot of courage. Usually the best decisons we make are the ones that involve adversity.

    I think you’re a great writer and I hope the decisons you make allow for the right people to see that.

  29. Karen Kupka says:

    Dear Christian,

    I think you’re getting some good advice from some great people here. Here’s my advice, too: working in restaurants is wretchedly exhausting. Find something where you can at least sit down once in a while.

    And good luck quitting smoking. I’ve quit twice now, and I think I’m done with it. Take care – I’ll be back to read some more.

    • leximckee says:

      Oh Karen, I’ve got to stick my spanner in here! Fiona Harrold wrote a wonderful book on becoming your own life coach. One of the key suggestions she’s made to clients over the years is to get a job in a restaurant – to get out among people. I understand how busy and exhausting it can be because that’s exactly what I did when my own business dipped into recession. I ached in places I didn’t know I had! Clearly, however, I chose a good Cafe because I loved it! I got so much fresh inspiration for writing from meeting new people… and the quality of my exhaustion-driven sleep was the best in years! If it looks like I’m negating what you’re saying, I’m not. We all need to be sensible and not overdo it, but I do think there is gold in them there hills of doing a job that gets you mixing with people when they are relaxed. it certainly got my attention of my own pressing problems so that when I came back to review my issues I saw them anew and from a different perspective.

      • Karen Kupka says:

        You’ve got a good point – which is to get out and make contacts. And I had so much fun working in restaurants. I was also a skinny girl who liked to stay at the bar and have a drink or two after my shift, and between the mild hangovers and carrying trays that were a little too heavy, I didn’t have a lot of energy on my days off. It was too much, although skipping the cocktails would have helped. But we’re all energized and exhausted by different things…

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