All the way

give_up“If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”Charles Bukowski

Whether you believe in God or karma or simply fate odds are that at least once in your life you’ll feel as if the entire Universe is working against a specific desire of yours. And you’ll want to give up.

I began writing without knowing what I was getting myself into. The sad truth of the publishing world in Romania is that there is no publishing world. Writers are lucky to earn enough for a decent living. And in order to get a book published you need to know someone…

But I just didn’t care. And I didn’t listen to all the people who kept telling me that writing should be just a hobby.

I’m stubborn like that.

And, truth be told, it’s easy to believe in a dream when you don’t have to really stand up for that dream, when you’re living a comfortable life. But when things change, that’s when your dream either withers away or becomes the only thing that defines you.

I won’t bother you with specific details, but in a few months I ended up surviving. A meal a day, many sleepless nights worrying about money, no idea of what the future held. When you end up weighing 110 pounds with your clothes on… you kind of start asking yourself if what you’re doing is right or not.

The thing is, I’m not particularly ambitious as a person. I just had this dream ever since I first began writing in my early teens that what I was doing was far more important than my own life. I believed in my writing, and my writing meant more to me than it could ever mean to someone else.

It’s difficult to explain. I just wrote. Whenever I could, I’d sit down at my desk and write. I had no real plan, no strategy. I tried to self-publish a novel, and after selling 4 copies in 4 months, I gave up. But I kept writing, out of this stupid conviction that this was what I had been born to do.

In April 2012 I decided to try self-publishing again. And I made this blog.

Statistically speaking, I’ve defeated some of the worst odds imaginable. I can now say that my words have an impact. Right now, quite a lot of people from all over the world are reading these words. Right now, I can write knowing that at least one person will read what I write.

This is freedom. Doing what you love, no matter what. And even when you’re starving, when you’re cold, when you just don’t want to go out because you’ll undoubtedly feel as if everyone else is much happier than you are, when you sit down at a desk and do your thing, that’s freedom, a kind of freedom that no one can grant you; you’ve got to take it, you’ve got to fight for it with all you’ve got.

If I would have given up on writing, right now I’d be working some meager job somewhere, earning just enough to go by. And I’d feel as if there’s something slipping away from me, that somehow life is actually more than what I’m doing, more than what I have. Try to imagine my frustration when I didn’t know if what I was doing was right or wrong because people simply didn’t bother to read my stuff. Try to imagine my anger, my disappointment. All the lonely nights, all that bitter exhaustion that comes after you’ve finished writing a story without knowing if someone is going to care or not.

Believe it or not, I’ve lived all that, and I sincerely do no wish it upon anyone, whether they’re good artists or bad artists, whether they’ve just discovered their talents at the age of 45 or have been doing it ever since they could hold a pen in their hands.

That’s why I’m fighting for my dream, that’s why I’m trying to raise the money that I need in order to release my novel. That’s why I need your help.

So my words can reach more people, so my art can find an audience. You can help out hereEvery contribution helps, gets me closer to reaching the goal. If you can’t contribute, don’t worry, don’t feel guilty or something. You can still help with a like or share or tweet or simply by telling your friends about what I want to do.


18 thoughts on “All the way

  1. This is inspiring. It’s always incredible to see somebody put their whole soul into something, whether that’s writing or something else. 110 pounds though, that’s real dedication.


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