Crowded buses

busWhen I was a kid I was terrified of crowded buses. I was afraid that I would find myself away from the door, and I wouldn’t be able make my way through the crowd. Indeed, kind of a stupid thing to be afraid of, but if you think about it, the most subtle way life can test you whether you really want something is to put someone stand in your way.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do: to push people out of your way. And it’s more about fear than it’s about kindness. It’s more about self-indulgence than it is about altruism.

To a certain degree, we’re all self-centered, but we’re also afraid of others. We don’t want to be invisible, but we don’t want to be punished for being “too visible” either. We want to be comfortable. That’s it, basically. And we learn early on that other people have the power to disturb that comfort.

Ever since I started this blog I’ve met a lot of brilliant artists, some of which are far better at their craft that I could ever hope to become at mine. And yet, they’re afraid. They don’t really want it, they just kind of want it. They’re afraid to take risks, to give something up for that great work of art they’ve always wanted to create.

They don’t want to give up the comfortable life they have in order to build all the dreams they have stored up in their hearts. They don’t want to fail, they’re afraid people are going to hate what they do, or even worse, that they won’t care.

They repeatedly tell me (and themselves) that they’re only doing this for fun. It’s just a hobby, a passion reserved for when the stars align in just the right way. But then they tell me that it would be nice to have it all: to be able to do what they love doing most in the world over and over again, without having to worry about money or bills or taxes, they’d love to be able to show the entire world what their own minds have created. They’d love to spend the strangest hours of the night reading fan mail.

They want to inspire and change and build, but they feel now it’s not the time. They’re not good enough, or they haven’t saved up enough money. They’re too young, they’re too complicated, they’re too alone or too happy.

Sadly, now it’s never the time to do it. In fact, I have the strange habit of giving up everything in order to furiously stroll my fingers against the keyboard at the worst possible time. Just before the entire world goes bankrupt and I almost starve to death. That’s a nice example.

The truth is, and I’m afraid I can’t lie to you, it’s not enough to be really good at something. In art or life or love or whatever, being really good is only one ingredient. Luck plays its part as well, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You know, I’ve always enjoyed to aimlessly wander around town. Sometimes I stop and stare at all these people hurriedly walking past me, and I ask myself: “Are they in such a hurry because they’re going to fulfill their most ambitious dream or are they simply running away from it?”

What you dream up matters to no one but yourself. Never forget that. But what you do about it, how you decide to act upon that dream, that’s an entirely different thing.

I figured this part early on: that’s what separates me from almost everyone else. I picked one dream, just one out of the billion or so I have collected over the years, and I have decided to make it come true. And I’m not willing to give up.

If you’ve been following this blog for at least a couple of weeks or so, then you know that I am struggling to raise money to pay for dental treatment that I urgently need. I have succeeded in raising $514 of the cost of the next appointment, but that’s not nearly enough.

Still two thousand dollars to go.

But I’m not giving up. Never retreat, never surrender.

You know that really famous quote that’s sometimes attributed to Albert Einstein? “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

I’ve always thought it to be the definition of perseverance.

Do you believe I deserve to enjoy a normal life, like eat properly and stuff? Do you enjoy what I write on this blog just enough so you can spare a couple of bucks and donated for my health? Do you want me to succeed?

If yes, you can help me out by donating any amount you see fit via PayPal here.

Also, you can purchase reblogs here. Advertising here. And signed paperbacks here.


3 thoughts on “Crowded buses

  1. I used to fear that people would pick my work apart because anytime I spoke, wrote or simply showed up people would only have nasty things to say to me. It’s extremely hard to push past your fears when you have a proven track record of failure. The saddest thing is I thought the worst thing that could happen when I finally opened up was being ripped apart, it’s not, the worst is being invisible. After a while you get tired of writing books that no one will read. It’s sad how we all long to be seen and heard. It feels like we are all climbing over each other trying desperately to reach the top of the mountain in order to succeed or at least that’s how it feels to me. I hope you receive the money you need and everything works out for you. I’d help you if I could but I already go without just so there’s enough to pay the bills.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s