Alone/Lonely

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” Hunter S. Thompson

I should start by saying that being alone and feeling lonely are separated by one thing: your perception of the situation. Which, of course, can be changed, but most of the times is a subconscious decision that appears to be out of your control.

My own loneliness is a contradictory issue. I have to be alone, I need to be alone, and I love being alone. I can write, I can enjoy the silence for longer periods of time than almost anyone else I ever met. I can only find myself when I am all alone in a silent room. I go out with people, act silly and whatnot for a couple of hours, all the while longing to go back home and be all by myself. I’ve been at parties and wanted nothing more than to go home, where there’s no one waiting but the hope of finding myself again.

It feels like that: as if I am losing myself in the crowd. I am losing myself in the minds of other people.

But I also hate having only myself to come home to. I hate my own company, so to speak. I feel restless, insecure, and sad.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t have written a single word if I hadn’t felt lonely. Different. Unique in a “there’s a big wall between you and the rest of the world” sense of way. Some days I hate that about me. Some days I think it’s the best damn thing in the world. A true blessing. Some days I feel as if me being alone to write, me being able to be alone to write, is the most wonderful thing in the world. And I am happy and ecstatic to do nothing other than to write. Other days… I feel as if it’s all a necessary sacrifice; and there’s nothing noble about it either. It’s just something that I had to do, because I was too scared to do anything else.

One of the many things we don’t like to talk about is the fact that most of the time our feelings are out of our control. Because you are aware. You are staring out the window at the rain. There’s nothing else to do, and the fact that you are aware changes nothing. I am aware of how I feel, I am rationally aware (and intrigued in a way) of the fact that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do about what I am seeing out the window.

But I feel that way regardless of what I am aware of.

That makes us human. Our ability to feel. And our ability to rationalize, to dissect out thoughts and feelings like no other creature before us.

At the beginning of this post I wrote that our perception is the only thing that makes a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I can only tell you about the way I perceive things when I feel lonely: I hate myself. Simple as that. I am self-conscious to such an extent that it makes me loathe almost everything about me. So I do feel lonely in a crowded place, among friends or family, or when I am all by myself. I hate my own company, even though I am, to a certain extent, aware of the fact that people feel and think otherwise. And when I feel that, there’s nothing they can say or do that can make me change how I feel.

Of course, I also feel the exact opposite. I find myself to be good company to others, I find myself to be good company to my own self. I feel great. And it’s like I am different person then.

That is the simple and heartbreaking truth of our existence: we don’t get to choose how we feel.

What I’m really trying to say is this: there’s no point in fighting it. What you feel. There’s no point in denying it either. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to accept it. I feel the way that I feel, and it’s going to last for as long as it has to.

Staring out the window at the rain… it might seem as if the sun will never come out again.

But it does. Sooner or later. It does. Always.

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19 comments on “Alone/Lonely

  1. You are not alone in that, Cristian! Am happier when am alone. Presently, am all alone

  2. dhaffnersr says:

    “That is the simple and heartbreaking truth of our existence: we don’t get to choose how we feel.”
    That is an interesting comment, because you always have a choice in how you want to feel…Always

  3. D-Claire says:

    This. (Altho i don’t equate loneliness w self loathing, and I do feel both those things at times. )

  4. J-Dub says:

    Fantastic!!! Validates a few things I’ve felt lately. I need to save this somewhere to read and re-read again when I need it. Never really a Hunter S Thompson fan but the quote at the start is very fitting! Thank you for sharing!!

  5. Much of your post, I could write myself. “write” would become “draw”; otherwise me too. But somehow lately I find I can separate how I feel (how things are) from how I choose to see it. I see that I have been becoming me (a loner, a creative) for a long time. I decided to celebrate them both since they both seem so necessary a part of me. And how I feel about being alone has changed into something less awful. But I don’t know a secret or a trick to tell you about. I just hope it happens to you too. You deserve less pain.

  6. Riheyn says:

    It’s so relatable. I feel you.

  7. I just returned from a two-hour walk around the lake because my therapist told me that I have not grieved enough, so I walked longer than usual in hopes to open that grief up – to feel…and I despised it because I can’t stand to be alone..I hate being alone, so I had been occupying myself with “stuff” trying NOT to feel, and then I came across your blog this morning…THANK YOU for your words – I needed to hear that today.

  8. Anaida says:

    Mind blowing. You’re so good with words, maybe your writing credibility is a by product of being alone? Whatever the reason might be, you’re pure fucking genius with thoughts and expression! Keep it up

  9. Cristian, superb! You are my inspiration, my delight. You gave me courage to start my blog. I need a lot of help! Perhaps one day you’ll find some time to critique me! I am sending you my hugs!

  10. Cristian, superb! Thank your delightful style.

  11. Lady B says:

    I really liked this one post of yours, I can feel you in it, it’s honest to the bone. This to me is good writing!
    The subject reminded me of Gabriel Garcia Marques. He is the one to talk about loneliness and being alone in a way that makes both such a part of life, so natural, they are impossible not to just lightly accept and enjoy. Give him a try 🙂

    • Marquez is one of my favorite writers. Used to try and write like him in high school. I even wrote a magical realism novella in one paragraph, trying to emulate The Autumm of The Patriarch.

      • Lady B says:

        I kinda expected this 🙂 I mean you heaving read Marques. This might actually mean we speak the same language.
        Maybe you’ll show us the novella.
        Anyway, great work. Reading your blog keeps reminding me to write. I like that.

  12. Julie Cao says:

    “What I’m really trying to say is this: there’s no point in fighting it. What you feel. There’s no point in denying it either. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to accept it. I feel the way that I feel, and it’s going to last for as long as it has to.” – this is so true. We cannot control what we feel, we only have choice on how to react towards our feelings.

  13. You can change how you feel, but sometimes it’s not easy. When my various medical problems get me down I take a minute and pray, call a friend or family member. I don’t like staying down and believe that all those negative emotions impact our health. I can’t stop the rain, but I can think of the beauty it will bring. I was in a flood when I was little so it would be easy to always hate rain.
    I’ve learned not to dwell on the negative as the only option. When I was on seizure medication I dwelled on thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t get away from them no matter how hard I tried. The med also made me angry. Both are some of the side effects. It was fairly easy to ignore the anger issues, but I couldn’t get the thoughts of suicide out of my head for a long time. I am a Christian and suicide is not an option. God finally helped with that. I think I drove everyone crazy in the meantime.
    I like what Julie Cao said in her comment – that we have a choice in how we react to our feelings. I may take a minute and wallow in my self-pity, but then I step out and thank the Lord for what He’s done for me.

  14. kumudsingh says:

    As I go older and older I’m more and more comfortable being alone!!! Beautiful words by #sienna miller
    And beautifully narrated by you sir!!! 👍🏻👍🏻

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