I don’t know how you think I am, if you view me as an idealist or a realist, if you think I’m good or not or even worse than that, but the truth is that, for most of my life, I’ve been a pessimist. One of the worst kind, actually.
The ones who feel they never get what they want. The ones who see themselves and the world around them as broken beyond repair. There’s never enough light for the ones who are afraid of the dark.
I found myself once in a strange place. I was standing over the edge of this terrifying abyss. All I needed was a gentle push for me to fall. I knew I wasn’t nearly as strong as it was needed for me to actually jump.
All this is just a metaphor or something, but the truth is that it wasn’t a moment. You see, the moment stretched and stretched, like a rubber band, and nothing could make it break. And seconds dissolved into minutes, and minutes magically transformed themselves into hours, and before I realized what was going on, three years had passed.
Three long years, in which all I did was stare at the endless abyss, not sure if I was meant to jump or not, scared that the jump wouldn’t fix anything. All I needed was an escape, and the abyss wasn’t willing to offer me one.
It took me three years to realize that life isn’t really worth living unless you want something. Until you have an impossible dream, an ideal to strive towards. Until you have something to fight for, you simply exist.
And I decided that it was better to go down fighting than to give up without a fight. Never retreat, never surrender. That happened on the 24th of April 2012, when I decided to start this blog. When I decided to try my best at making stuff up and selling it on Amazon.
I had something to fight for, but when I was staring at the dark, endless abyss, I was too busy to die. And I did die. In my head, over and over again, until I decided there was nothing death could offer me.
It’s something I never talk about, and I wrote about it once. More or less.
But the thing is, I found power and ambition and discipline while staring at the dark, endless abyss. Because I saw how it feels to be one step from falling over the edge.
What I’m really trying to say is that you don’t know what you want until you’ve got nothing left to lose. Take a man everything he has, and he’ll turn his gaze towards the stars. He’ll do his best to make his dreams come true.
It might take a while, not a fraction of a second, because this feels more like a bizarre epiphany, in which time has an unnatural flow.
The real tragedy in life is when you don’t want anything, and you find yourself staring down at the dark, endless abyss, and you can’t see a way out.
This kind of stuff isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Most people don’t want to think about it, most people don’t want to imagine how the world would look like with them out of the picture.
I once wrote that true freedom comes from the realization that you can kill yourself at anytime. It’s a special kind of freedom, one you’ll never taste again. Once is enough.
You realize it, and that’s all you need. Like a forbidden fruit, it gives you clarity. You can see that your life is your own, that you’re exactly as free as you want to be.
That’s why I write the stuff that I write, why I try to give people the hope that they can be better at what they love doing simply because they love doing it.
I strenuously believe that if I try hard enough, and I don’t give up, luck is only going to determine how long it’s going to take me to get what I want. That’s it. Failure is not an option, unless you want it to be.
And, yes, I needed to stare at total defeat in order to realize it.
Whether you believe me or not, whether this gives you hope or simply makes you think I’m crazy, it doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is that I wrote these words with the hope that you are going to read them.
What you take from it, if anything at all, is not my concern.