I Am The Side-Effect of All The Words I Ever Wrote

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I don’t write as much as I used to. To be honest, I don’t know why that happened. Or how. Don’t you find it frustrating that we live in a world that makes it almost impossible to admit that you don’t know something?

I don’t know why I don’t write as much as I used to. Yes, I write blog posts. On two different blogs. But those have become an almost subconscious habit. It’s scary in a way. I can write blog posts anywhere, anytime, no matter the conditions, my mood… I can write anywhere.

It is scary because I used to approach writing with a lot more respect and admiration. As if it were magic. Don’t get me wrong, words are magic. If you use the right words in just the right order, you can change the world a bit. But my words are no longer magic. My words are the words of someone who has become so absorbed by the pettiness of life that he can no longer create. He is no longer the creator, but rather the creation.

I am the side-effect of all the words I wrote when I was a dreamer.

I remember those days with the kind of nostalgia that usually breaks one’s heart. I was dirt poor, struggling in all areas of life, yet I was fascinated by the fact that my words meant something to someone. A few people at first. Then more and more. I read each comment and thank-you e-mail with the kind of dumbfounded expression on my face that sometimes made it easy for me to cry.

Actual people read my words. And they cared enough about them to tell me this.

Real people. You understand this? Human beings, taking precious moments of their time to read something that this 22 year old kid from Romania wrote whenever he felt that he had something to say.

I felt invincible. For a while I even was.

My dream ever since I first started writing was simple: become the youngest writer to ever receive the Nobel Prize, and the second writer to receive both a Nobel Prize and an Academy Award. Nothing too complicated. Nothing to worry about.

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And adverbs. Maybe it’s paved with both. Or neither. Maybe it’s paved with the tears of all the dreamers who stop believing in their dreams during the day, yet can’t help themselves late at night.

I don’t know when it happened or how or even why, but at some point I stopped writing when I felt I had something to say. I wrote because I had to say something. I had to keep blogging, I had to keep growing an audience, to earn a living by doing the only thing I was ever somewhat good at.

As a consequence, I stopped believing in the magic of words. In the art of writing. There was nothing wonderful about it.

Blogging felt like work. Felt like the kind of work that you pray to all the gods to make it end. To just make something happen in a way that it could make it all end…

I got sidetracked by secondary activities, it is true. I lost heart. Sometimes I’d lay awake at night and wonder if I still had a heart.

It happens. Even to the best of us.

Life breaks us all. No matter what.

I am writing these words because I feel the need to recover whatever it was that I lost along the way. This sense of wonder when it comes to the written word. I need it, because without it I am no one in particular.

Funny. I used to think I was no one because I spent so much time writing. A perfect mister nobody.

I read this interesting anecdote a few days ago:

Adam trudged past the gates of Eden, his head low, his feet heavy with remorse and pain.

Then he stopped, spun around and exclaimed, “Wait a minute! You had this all planned! You put that fruit there knowing I would eat from it! This is all a plot!”

There was no reply.

Without failure, we can never truly reach into the depths of our souls. Only once we have failed can we return and reach higher and higher without end.

What I am really trying to say is that I have spent years denying the magic of words, their power, their authority. I have betrayed myself and those who once believed in my words.

Maybe one does have to lose his way in order to figure out the location of his true path. And why he wants to walk it. And where it leads.

Maybe not all those who wander are lost. Maybe they are searching for what can only be found inside their hearts. They don’t know it yet, so they walk around, looking everywhere but within themselves.

104 thoughts on “I Am The Side-Effect of All The Words I Ever Wrote”

  2. Christian, this is one of your most heartfelt pieces of writing I have read so far in the last six months I have started blogging and reading your works.You have really poured your heart out and I can understand the stagnation and the frustration one feels after writing incessantly for so long.
    Hope you feel the magic again in the writing so that you can continue to work form the heart.

    Liked by 6 people

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  4. I hear you. But since I starting writing around the age of 8 or 9 and making up characters (I had friends and played outside but for me writing and making up characters was far more interesting) and after getting involved with listening to rock music and then getting involved singing and guitar with a local band that never really accomplished anything and deciding to turn my characters into a rock band in fiction, and then working out the script…now that I have self publishing experience and can now use social media and am retired at age 65, writing is my way of connecting spiritually, to God and to the world.

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  5. This is so much more profound than your other pieces. The reasons, and the factors just seem so inevitable.

    But, one thing I’d like to say – you still got it mister! You’ve still got that thing where you can make the reader FEEL things. It was big in this article, and the loyal audience is sticking with you, even if you write only blog posts. I’m here for it! :)

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  9. Cristian, I have been reading the book, “Falling Upward,” by Richard Rohr. He believes that periods of struggle are all inevitable, necessary and good parts of the human journey — and that you need them to grow. If I understand him correctly, he believes that the habitual and familiar patterns we establish in our lives are falsely reassuring and that sometimes life (or God, if you believe) gives us a “push” to insure we develop into the person we are meant to be. You have a great gift for writing. Even without the Nobel Prize and Academy Award, your writings have touched people. But they touch people because your passion comes through. In truth, I have not noticed a change in your writing but neither have I been following your blog very long. (I am new to blogging.) Perhaps life is giving you a push to realize that your blog may no longer be a means to an end for you, but has become the end goal — as you hinted. If so, I hope you will make the changes you need to make so blogging becomes subordinate to your art and writing becomes enjoyable to you again.

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  10. Oh, Cristian, your writing is indeed magic, if only to the few of us. You were the first few people I started following when I decided to start a blog and put all my pieces of writing together. This post hits home because I must admit I’m no stranger to the feeling you’re experiencing and should it comfort you in the tiniest way that you’re not alone on this journey where life has sapped the zest of words and intertwined your mind and sucked away the energy in the form of petty things. I must say that even though things go south, which occur just too much in my realm of the world, we as writers should believe in the magic of words. For it is the only thread that binds our souls to this fragile world where the truth fades as quickly as a single drop of sweat on the forehead of a farmer tending hay on a burning day of June!

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  11. Thank you for writing this. It’s really a great and heartfelt piece, and I can tell you put a lot into it. I’m now going to make a point to never lose the magic of writing– after all, if that’s gone then what’s the point?

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  12. Cristian, that’s one piece of work I ll remember. Its a writers lamentation to me. Such expression of the drowning zeal of the magic of writing, attests to the trials of a gifted artist(writer). You can win the Noble prize, You can win the award, you gotta keep writing, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
    This is a stage in the life of every great writer.keep at it

    Liked by 5 people

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  13. Very beautiful article, different and more profound, maybe almost touching the truth. I am sure you know better, but if you dedicate all your creative time to blogging, which is your work, you will have nothing left to venture in a different journey. You have the talent to write a masterpiece, perhaps you could reserve a little time every day to only focus on that one goal. Check Growing Gills from Jessica Abel, maybe you get inspiration. Thank you for inspiring all of us but let your passion fly again!!🙏🙏💖🌞🌸

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  16. This was amazing. As a writer I agree with everything you have said. I loved how you said “It is scary because I used to approach writing with a lot more respect and admiration. As if it were magic. ”
    I love to hear another writer say that they have respect and admiration because I think that writing is a form of expressing ourselves. Writing may just look like words on a page to other people, but to have other people connect with your writing and as a writer get yourself lost into the writing.. It is a new world and MAGIC.

    I just started at WordPress, I have written a couple of books that are in the process of being edited and added onto.
    I love to read more of your writings

    -Sheila Lyn.

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  18. I recently got back into writing myself. I quit because like you I burned out on having to produce material to grow my audience. This time around I’m writing to enjoy it again. Best of luck. Keep writing.

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  19. This is a beautifully written post. It reminds me of how I feel whenever I’m in the “mid-novel slump.” It’s as if I lose sight of the trajectory of the novel, but I have to keep going if I’ll ever stand a chance of finding it again! Your words are very thought-provoking, and I appreciate your authenticity.

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  20. Thank you for writing something so profound and heartfelt. Some days writing is easy, some days no matter how hard you push, the words just won’t form. When I was younger, I could write a short story every week for class, but now that I’m older, I can barely manage more than two blog articles per month, and it’s been months since I successfully worked on my novel. Your words resonate so well with how I feel.

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  22. This post really struck me, because as a teenager who feels like she allowed her own ambition and drive to rope her into responsibility way too early, I know the feeling of pumping out words instead of creating them. Excellently written and ultimately, eye-opening. Writing should be enjoyment. Where’s the point of life if you can’t enjoy what you spend your life doing?

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  25. All your years of writing pay off, if you can express your thoughts as clearly as you obviously do. It is hard to think you write for nobody, but wordpress is a community of writers and artists, so what I mean to say, is you reached me with this and inspired me. Thank you.

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  26. “I used to be able to fly without even thinking about it.” –Kiki’s Delivery Service.
    “We all have to find our own inspiration. Sometimes, it’s not easy.” –same movie.
    It sucks when you start doing what you love as work, and the adult work ethic frightens away the little child dreamer that started it all. Here’s to all the artists searching for their heart to fly again! <3

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  30. Searching within yourself is hard but yields the most valuable lessons and creativity and inspiration. Really interesting take on writing and the writing process. As a fellow writer it is hard sometimes not to wonder if what I am doing has value.

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  31. I relate to this so much, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that writing is going to ask of me what I’m willing to sacrifice for it, which I’m pretty sure is what love is, in a sense. For the past 3 days, I’ve been waking up at 530am and writing, because I went through something so similar to what you wrote here, and it scared me. I think part of why we stop to write is that, in addition to the horrors dealt with in the facing of everyday life, there is also the unknown in digging int ourselves, and not knowing what we’re going to find there, having not looked deep inside ourselves for so long. Beginning writing again was the start of facing a real fear, which was my inner self, which I think is what you’re doing with this post, facing yourself, and asking yourself the real questions, “why don’t i write?”. Right now, writing for me has become the magic of self-discovery, the who am i, the what am i seeing, the how does this affect me and how does it come out in my writing. That process of “liberating others by liberating myself” is the new magic, for me, and for you, too, because this post made me feel liberated enough to discuss my process. Pretty magical to me.

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  33. Thanks for sharing, Chistian! People must pursue their passions and so often we wait until near the end before doing what we should have done in the beginning! Here’s to everyone who writes NOW and doesn’t put it off to later.

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  36. This has to be one of my favourite pieces you’ve posted on this blog, your vulnerability allows you to inspire people in such a beautiful way and I have so much respect for you because of that. Keep on keeping on, Christian.

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  40. Wow. I loved your post. I’m new to blogging and this was a very real worry for me. Words have such a magical effect and I sometimes do feel like I lose my magic after a while. This post captured that feeling and inspires me to not shy away. Thank you for your words. I hope you’ll enjoy mine.

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  41. I haven’t read many of your post to be honest, I haven’t even been blogging for long. But I can understand how words could seem to lose their magic, I have always been a reader and as one I think this post has it’s own kind of magic. The way you say things is amazing and heartfelt so I hope you get that feeling back because even someone like me that posts nonsense conversation sometimes can see how wonderful words are and yours are lovely.

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  43. Beautiful. You’ve captured what many of us feel – it’s almost an anomaly. It is difficult to explain because of the nuances of language, but you’ve written your thoughts in such fluidity that I understand it on deeper level. Again, beautiful. 🙂

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  44. “Maybe one does have to lose his way in order to figure out the location of his true path. And why he wants to walk it. And where it leads to.”
    The magic will always be in you. It is seen in the beautiful words you write. It maybe lost at times and you may loose your way again but always remember this fan who will always be patiently waiting for that magic to spark once again.

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  47. Really enjoyed this post. Thank you for having the courage to expose your soul. And I so agree and have echoed this concept myself in the past year. I think assuring myself… You put it so well: “Maybe one does have to lose his way in order to figure out the location of his true path. And why he wants to walk it. And where it leads to.” Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  50. Heartfelt and heartbreaking, I relate with this deeply. Growing up will really head-butt you in the face, won’t it? After I started learning the true meaning of hard work and enjoying some of its real-world benefits, I felt like all the color got drained from my soul and I’d become a tweed-hearted robot. I’m still trying to get that color back.

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  55. Cristian, your words are more magical than Hogwarts! I admit I don’t read all your posts but the ones that I do read make me regret that I don’t get time enough to read the others. Each word of yours inspires me to be a better writer

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  58. I know the feeling you describe–the joy in knowing your words impact enough that people choose to use some of the precious minutes they are allotted here on them. It’s a wonderful feeling to be used by the Universe so . . .

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  59. If you use the right words in just the right order, you can change the world a bit. But my words are no longer magic. My words are the words of someone who has become so absorbed by the pettiness of life that he can no longer create. He is no longer the creator, but rather the creation.

    I just had to say I resonate with this so much. I go from a place of I got this I love my art to wait a minute no one cares so what should I do to get darn likes.

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  60. At the risk of playing devil’s advocate, sometimes I think the BEST work emerges when we get into that “must write must write must write” headspace… Writing more so than any artform is often the art of meeting chalenges and just making it work.

    Says the blogger who started today and has posted once xD But I asssure you I’ve written plenty in my professional life and know the “subconcious” feeling…

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  61. Honestly, this is your first piece I’ve read and I always enjoy honesty laid bare in ink. I don’t think your lost at all, I think predicated upon your own words here, your right where your meant to be. I further believe you are attempting to fool yourself in thinking you’ve lost your passion, your magic fingertips or train of thought and yet, you post this self-revealing collection of…words.
    Perhaps you find your newfound inadequacies easier to fault than accepting there is nothing wrong at all and this stall of yours is uncomfortable? Perhaps you are in a lull that is preparing you for a new infusion of your passion, akin a caterpillar cocooned during its transformation period. Perhaps, you’ll write a plethora of beautiful magic. Or, maybe- I don’t parse very well and I’m full of a much lesser magic than you are?
    I look forward to reading your unadulterated honesty or random thoughts again.
    Until then…

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  62. I was captivated by your Magic Carpet picture with the memorable words ”What if I fall? so here I am having thoroughly enjoyed your magic words immensely. You may be at a point in your life where you maybe thinking ”What is my vocation” or ‘What was I destined to be or do with my life?”

    I’ve been there several times even though I don’t think I am special or different, just that whatever I do I want to do it right. You are a teacher of Magic Words! You have a gift that gives pleasure to many people who have commented before me and to those that will follow. You obviously write from your heart about life and your experiences so I am sure that others will love to hear what you do, say or think. I’m also sure that many people would benefit from your Magic Words especially when there are so many challenges in life that people face daily, let them know that they are not alone!

    Thank you, Christian for being you!

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  63. Take it as a compliment from your self. If you treat writing not with the fear and lust of previous times, you mastered it. No Nobel prize needed to prove that. Apologies as i cannot help or suggest you what to do next.

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  64. I took a break from writing for about five years because it had lost it’s flavour. I think I was maybe in the wrong medium though because I was a struggling screenwriter back then but now I’m a struggling novelist instead and I’m much happier.

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  65. The human is a social animal. And there’s a difference between writing to pour your heart/yourself/whatever you have to say out, and writing to connect to more people. One is necessary, the other is necessary, too. But – in different ways. I think, this is generally what creative people struggle with, especially when they’re also good in marketing what they do. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog post! (The first one of yours, I’ve read btw.)

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    • Christian-
      Two things struck me:
      One-The story of the Alchemist who has to travel the world to realize that what he is looking for was always inside of him.
      Two-Many people would give their left arm to have a blog with as many followers as you do. We all adapt to our current situations, making them seem less appealing and desirable. Remember when you first got started? I’ll bet you never expected to have as many followers as you do today.
      Keep your head up.
      Royce

      Liked by 4 people

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  69. I’ve never read anything truer.
    We talk about writers’ block, inspiration, creativity, insecurity but this is the anorexia of the writing world; the affliction no one wants to talk about. You can write a thousand words a day, and feel nothing. That’s what we should all be scared of.
    With each word I type, I feel like that’s where I’m heading. Sometimes I think we have a limit, a sort of allowance for the magic we can create. Maybe that’s the real reason why artists die.

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  73. I’m not the same _kind_ of writer you are, but I’ve felt the same way. When I started my “life of crime” — i.e., as a CD reviewer — my writing was very stop-and-go, and the polishing also took time, but I was pleased to do it. In the last several years, however, it’s begun feeling like more of a chore to get the details exactly right. Writing for my blog, OTOH, feels like it comes easily — though, in fact, it’s just as time-consuming! The trick, for me, is to be able to give my professional writing the same time and energy that I’m giving to the blog!

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  76. Life can be a struggle, that’s for sure. My friends have really been a great inspiration to me over the years, they helped me stay motivated. With writing, just let go and say what you want to say. When I stopped worrying about what other folks thought of me, I was finally free.

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  79. Writing is… its complicated isn’t it? Just like any art. It a business but a passion at the same time. I’m new to doing it professionally so I can’t claim to know jack. All I know is taking breaks and doing something else that’s creative (ex. painting, sculpting, ect.) helps when I feel writing burn out. I send love and wish you the best <3

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  80. Pingback: The Art of Writing — Cristian Mihai | Building Better Biliterates with CBC CODEBREAKER!

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