When I am gone

“It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.”John Steinbeck, East of Eden

I’m some eleven months through my 27th year on this Earth. You know, artists are notorious for dying at this age. The infamous 27 Club.

I feel fine. I workout every day. I drink plenty of water. I try to get my eight hours of sleep. I try to eat healthy. I take some supplements, multivitamins and stuff. But I am feeling a bit older than I did when I first started this blog. I feel tired after less hours of writing than I used to.

It’s not being dead, but getting closer to death that scares us, right?

I am also a bit heartbroken, as artists are supposed to be from time to time.

It’s been years since I found my ideal reader. That’s my definition of a soulmate, and the closest thing to falling in love with another human being. Someone who understands my words, who wants to read them, who underlines them in the books I give her. Someone who encourages me to reply less to e-mails, and to write more fiction. Someone who reminds me I was, am, and always will be a writer.

I have lost that person. Maybe irredeemably. I don’t know. It feels like that. Like the kind of goodbyes that never feel like goodbyes until you are sitting all by yourself at your desk and you try to write and no words come out. And you want to tell them that, and you can’t.

It’s not distance that breaks people’s hearts. No. She lives rather close. Distance is not the issue. Misunderstanding is. When you try to tell someone how they make you feel, and all they hear are words.

Something like that.

This means that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Right now, I feel like there’s a part of me missing. A few days ago, it was even worse. It felt like dying and being forced to keep on living.

And, yes, I recover fast from heartbreaks. I have had quite a few experiences. Soulmates never die, but they leave, find some other soulmate, or just turn out to be someone different than who I thought them to be.

All this made me think of death. In the sense of running out of time.

Do you ever feel like that? Like running out of time? Do you ever fear when that moment will come? The bitter end? Its unpredictability?

I guess I am just tired, and I want to write my feelings down. Quite selfish of me. But I am… tired. Trying to live a life you’re proud of is the most exhausting thing one can do. Trying to be good, to be competent, to love, to…

In moments of heartbreak we wonder if we’ll ever get the ending we want. If we’ll ever be happy. Loved. Fulfilled. If we’ll ever find someone who genuinely appreciates our presence, who loathes our absence, who supports our dreams, who is willing to fight for us day in and day out.

Someone to miss us when we’re gone.

Whenever you lose someone you feel you could spend a lifetime with, it feels like… it feels like death, actually. It feels like the life you live is this strange terror. Part comedy, part tragedy. One eye laughs, the other cries.

I reckon that this line of thinking is not in tune with the realities of the world, but artists like to dream a lot. We’re idealists.

In an ideal world I’d have my ideal reader, and we’d have fun editing stories, and I’d tell her all my ideas, and I could decide on which one to work by the way her face would light up. Something like that.

Like I said, I am not feeling like myself.

For this, I apologize.

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12 thoughts on “When I am gone

  1. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I lost the one person who pushed me to be a better writer and to believe in my abilities to miscommunication . This made me want to find him. He was one of my very best friends but I no longer know where he is.

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  2. As a married man I’ve found that writing and submitting ideas to my wife activates conflict that I’d rather have with an acquaintance and not my wife.

    At 27, you’ll see tired reach all new levels with babies that don’t sleep through the night. :)

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  3. I haven’t read a blog post for a long while but when I opened and my eyes caught your post, I read it and I don’t know why. I am glad I did. Because it is when I most needed to read right now. I may be younger by a few years but this struggle, it is crushing me; you phrased it perfectly. Thank you. And hopefully you feel like yourself soon enough.

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  4. Cristian, it’s quite normal to feel that way. I too get those days but it reminds me to let go of what I’m interpreting as reality. I focus on loving myself more and doing more of what I enjoy.

    Life isn’t all balloons and parties. Moments of sadness, to me, are to be felt and released. Without feeling them, you almost put yourself in a pretense. That’s why I think self affirmations have a place when to use them and when not to. We all must learn to deal with life the best we can.

    It’s not easy. But, understand that we are all broken in some kind of way.

    Cheer up, what would we do without one of the best writers in the World. 😁Emma

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cristian no need to apologise, we are all human after all, but don’t get lost in being too idealistic or too perfectionistic looking for that “perfect” person because no one can fulfil us totally every day. That is the part of them also being human. We can love many people in different ways and you might find the person that shares that passion for your style and type of writing, but they may not be you romantic partner. That is why friendships are also so important in our lives. I liked the blog though, we can all have our down days. There is a saying, “No one ever drowned by falling in the water! They drown by staying there!” So it’s normal for those down days and negative thoughts but don’t ruminate over them and let them take hold of you. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. No need to apologize. The mid to late 20s are a headtrip. It’s not so much you’re running out of time as it is you are suddenly so aware of “time” — you’re no longer saying I can’t wait to…
    Also, bouncing back from relationships and adjusting expectations of people and experiences can be exhausting. After a while it seems like each time it takes a piece of you. Yet, you have to trust that your ability to shine and your capacity to share is larger than life as you know it. And that reader and other blessings can come in the blink of the eye, with your life unfold in unimaginable ways.

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  7. When I lost my soulmate I was devastated. He was 31 years old. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was on Mother’s Day three months before my wedding day. That was in 2003. My heart was shredded, like wheat. Today I have a new soulmate. His name is Jesus. He will never leave me. He loves me so much He died on a cross to pay for my sins. When I asked Him to forgive my sins and be my Lord and Savior and when I put all of my faith in Him and not in my own efforts to be good I became a child of God and received eternal life with a future home in heaven. God has also given me an earthly soulmate named Chuck. He is my wonderful husband and very best friend. We have been happily married for five years. I am so thankful for my eternal Soulmate and my earthly soulmate.

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  8. Cristian, the soul mate found in your reader might be found post by post, article by article, book by book, etc. In other words, with each reading someone connects with you on the level you hope for. As you stated though, that person may not stay with you, wandering off to connect with someone else, This does not mean that all is lost though, because along the way you pick up another soul connection. Sometimes your previous soul connection finds her way back to you…ebbing and flowing in and out like the tide; she flows over and kisses your feet , then she moves away for a time, then comes back again.

    Whatever the case, you find that as you journey through your writng, trying new things along the way, you will always grow and your need for soul mate and connection changes too…she will have new form and give new meaning to you.

    People like us do live in an ideal world and it is difficult to also live in a world that can be cruel and painful. We have to keep on our toes, stimulating our brains with new ideas and challenging our beliefs, which can all be very exhausting. We can get impatient while we do this. In fact, we may even feel like we are going to die, and sometimes we do – but then are reborn with new ideas and ways of doing things.

    Allow yourself to go with the natural flow of life and do not be afraid of growth and letting our old selves fall away.

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  9. Christian, thank you for the honesty of your blog and you are not selfish to write your feelings down. We have all read your words, we have listened to them and as fellow human beings we care too. Times of sadness and loss are times of reflection and change. They are as necessary as times of happiness and joy.
    Your awareness of time passing is something that I’ve always had in my life too. Some of us are more aware of it than others (I think). But the reality is you’re 27 – wow, so young! My twenties were a time of change and growth, weirdness and uncertainty. But I found some good friends then, my husband too. I have them to this day. But also I have made new friends in later life and met others who enrich me in other ways. Life will continue to grow and expand, to surprise and challenge, and it doesn’t stop as you age.
    The fact that you are writing and that you are following your creative path and at such an early stage in life is fantastic. Remember that.

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