Alone/lonely

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” Hunter S. Thompson

I should start by saying that being alone and feeling lonely are separated by one thing: your perception of the situation. Which, of course, can be changed, but most of the times is a subconscious decision that appears to be out of your control.

My own loneliness is a contradictory issue. I have to be alone, I need to be alone, and I love being alone. I can write, I can enjoy the silence for longer periods of time than almost anyone else I ever met. I can only find myself when I am all alone in a silent room. I go out with people, act silly and whatnot for a couple of hours, all the while longing to go back home and be all by myself. I’ve been at parties and wanted nothing more than to go home, where there’s no one waiting but the hope of finding myself again.

It feels like that: as if I am losing myself in the crowd. I am losing myself in the minds of other people.

But I also hate having only myself to come home to. I hate my own company, so to speak. I feel restless, insecure, and sad.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t have written a single word if I hadn’t felt lonely. Different. Unique in a “there’s a big wall between you and the rest of the world” sense of way. Some days I hate that about me. Some days I think it’s the best damn thing in the world. A true blessing. Some days I feel as if me being alone to write, me being able to be alone to write, is the most wonderful thing in the world. And I am happy and ecstatic to do nothing other than to write. Other days… I feel as if it’s all a necessary sacrifice; and there’s nothing noble about it either. It’s just something that I had to do, because I was too scared to do anything else.

One of the many things we don’t like to talk about is the fact that most of the time our feelings are out of our control. Because you are aware. You are staring out the window at the rain. There’s nothing else to do, and the fact that you are aware changes nothing. I am aware of how I feel, I am rationally aware (and intrigued in a way) of the fact that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do about what I am seeing out the window.

But I feel that way regardless of what I am aware of.

That makes us human. Our ability to feel. And our ability to rationalize, to dissect out thoughts and feelings like no other creature before us.

At the beginning of this post I wrote that our perception is the only thing that makes a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I can only tell you about the way I perceive things when I feel lonely: I hate myself. Simple as that. I am self-conscious to such an extent that it makes me loathe almost everything about me. So I do feel lonely in a crowded place, among friends or family, or when I am all by myself. I hate my own company, even though I am, to a certain extent, aware of the fact that people feel and think otherwise. And when I feel that, there’s nothing they can say or do that can make me change how I feel.

Of course, I also feel the exact opposite. I find myself to be good company to others, I find myself to be good company to my own self. I feel great. And it’s like I am different person then.

That is the simple and heartbreaking truth of our existence: we don’t get to choose how we feel.

What I’m really trying to say is this: there’s no point in fighting it. What you feel. There’s no point in denying it either. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to accept it. I feel the way that I feel, and it’s going to last for as long as it has to.

Staring out the window at the rain… it might seem as if the sun will never come out again.

But it does. Sooner or later. It does. Always.

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36 thoughts on “Alone/lonely

  1. I can relate to this post so much. I always feel lonely or alone in a crowd and yet I can’t say the same for when I am alone. I tried to step out and force myself to live in the moment in the crowd like everyone else but eventually I find myself crawling out and finding my own space. I’ve now accepted to settle for what makes me Me even if it’s creating a wall over everyone else sometimes.
    Thanks for sharing Cristian.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Loneliness seems to be the catalyst present in a lot of great works. I think mostly because your emotions and opinions manifest themselves in the moment, unfiltered, rather than as an after thought, once you’ve appeased everyone else’s desires. It’s a difficult thing to grapple with but can be weaponised and used to find many truths. Great piece of writing, man. Best of luck.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel great by myself because I am me, and I am not setteling for anyone’s idea of who I should be. People who love me for who I am are my family and the people I wish to be around, otherwise I am not changind​ myself to fit in the crowd. If I am loving myself enough then this is the right place to be, and I am not expecting ​for anyone to change for me as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The theory of pan pyschism suggests that everything around us has consciousness and that we are all the consciousness of the universe itself. That consciousness just “is”. That it is a law of nature. However…..
    “That is the simple and heartbreaking truth of our existence: we don’t get to choose how we feel.”
    That seems to be an undeniable truth. Although it need not remain so given the hopes of people like David Pearce, the Abolitionist movement and scientific advance.

    Personally I can’t wait for those days to. Sadly it is unlikely to be in my lifetime.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey man. I know that. I know that pain and shit. I live that pain every single fucking day. But you know what? It’s not all doom and gloom because you have a fuxking community of people who love you and adore you. And it seems to keep you warm at night. I don’t know your personal story or situation, I just know what people are like. Everyone is the same. Everyone is lost. And everyone is stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Writers are born to write. And those born to write something different–are usually different. I think most of us try to walk the line between tortured artist and extrovert. I’m happiest just this side of the middle:) Wonderful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You write beautifully, my friend. I enjoyed reading this immensely as I can identify with you as well. I like to call my room my cave but it is more like a haven. I retreat into the solitude of my own little world to recharge my batteries. Being in some social situations is emotionally draining for me. I think I worry about the most mundane of things – what do they think of me? And then my own dislike of myself is projected onto them and I need to escape. The truth is though, I like to think. I get lost in my own little world of art and poetry and it’s a nice place to be. I would love to buy your book, plz keep us updated.
    Susan

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Truth be told that is a wonderful post… Talks a lot about me too. Sometime I prefer to be alone than to be with people and sometimes I choose to be with people than to be alone but which ever way happiness is the real thing…

    Like

  9. Wow! I love this post. I enjoyed reading the comments from your followers, too. I pray for the fellow who got off on using the F word and thinks all are lost and everything’s shitty. No we’re not all lost. Maybe I WAS lost, but as the hymn says, “Now I’m found.” It took nearly 50 years for me to get past the feeling of loneliness when I was alone … to get to the point where I like my own company enough to feel comfortable enough with myself to put out to eat alone at a restaurant, for instance. What a relief to finally get to that point! You said, “I hate my own company, even though I am, to a certain extent, aware of the fact that people feel and think otherwise. ” You’re not 50 yet, Cristian!! Give it time. Listen to those people who think and feel differently about you. Let their love rub off. You will grow to love yourself. Be patient! It takes time. ❤️👍🏽

    Liked by 2 people

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